Amy's Place to Vent

I'm starting to get the impression that most of my friends are getting tired of me with the exception of two.  One I only see on breaks and the other I think likes me again... if is admission of having a sex dream about me is any indication.  I'm not sure what to do.  I feel like they think I'm really lame, because truthfully, I don't go out much.  I don't do much.  But when I go out, I try to be as fun as I can.  I'm not a very insightful person, so i'm not a good person to go to for advice, I've never had a relationship, so I constantly feel like a third wheel, and I'm always relying on my friends when I want to go do something.  I can't hang out with my work friends because none of them are around my age.  The closest one is 4 years younger than me... Most of the other's are over 40 years old at least... At least the ones I work with the most.  So that would be kinda lame if I hung out with adults my parent's age.  I wish I was good at making new friends.  I could use some.  And a life.  That way I won't feel like such a loser.

And why won't guys come up and talk to me????  Am I intimidating?  I've been dressing nicer to get their attention, but no one ever talks to me or tries to flirt with me.  Ok, scratch that, only the guys I'm NOT intersted in come up and talk to me.  UGH!!!!!!!  FML.

I am scared and nervous.  I think I may have screwed up something during college because all my grades have a big Unofficial stamp across them and I can't seem to find any record of all the credits I earned counting.  So basically everything I did in college never happened.  I guess this could be a good thing because my GPA was a 1.693...  But it did say I had earn 46 hours on my most recent "Unofficial" Grade Report.  I do admit that I screwed up big in the grades department.  I just didn't really try, and now I don't know if I'm even going to be able to graduate.  Ever.  I'm really scared that I screwed up the rest of my life because I messed up my first 2 years of college.  I don't know what to do or who to ask to help me.  I'm 21, I live with my parents, I coach competitive gymnastics part time and I've been out of school for almost a year now. 

I'm also afraid that if I wait too much longer to go back to class, I'm not going to learn things as well because my brain will be fully developed.  I'm completely stressed and now I'm starting to get pimples all over my face.  WTF?!  I rarely got pimples and zits as a teenager so why are they popping up now?!  It's making me even more stressed.

I'm scared that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  I want to get married and have kids, but not only have I never been in a relationship before, I also haven't really found anyone I WANT to be in a relationship with.  Ok, not true.  I wanted to go out with my best friend all throughout high school, but I found out close to graduation that he was gay.  ... ... ...  FML.  So now I guess I'm afraid that any guy I like might be gay.  then the ones that aren't make me really nervous.  I'm afraid they only like me because they want my body.  I'm afraid to open up to straight guys and to be around them.  They make me really nervous.  But I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  I don't want to rely on my parents anymore.  I want to be able to see something being accomplished in the future.  Why am I such a loser! 

What if the rest of my life is fucked.  What if I don't ever have enough money to support myself and end up living with my parent's for the rest of my life?  What if I never fall in love?  What if I die poor and alone?

I haven't been to a doctor's appointment in 3 years.  THREE YEARS!  What if I have some illness that I wasn't aware I had and I am dying slowly right now?  I don't even have a fucking doctor.  I need to schedule a check-up with a doctor to get one, but I don't have health insurance and I don't want to make my parent's pay way more than they need to for a silly check-up.

I think I'm also afraid to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I don't want to end up stuck in a career that I absolutely hate because I chose the wrong major.  I want to be able to have nice things and to live a good life.  I want people to think I am an accomplished person, not a loser.  I want my parent's to be proud of me.

I'm also scared because we're in a recession.  Or maybe it's a depression.  Either way, I'm positive that it's really hard to find jobs these days.  Tami just graduated with a degree in surgical assisting at the end of the spring quarter.  She's been looking for jobs since then.  She's applied to every hospital in the city and NO ONE hired her.  She has no health insurance and is barely getting by.  I don't want to end up like that.  All her hard work went down the drain because no one will hire her.

I'm afraid of the future.

I don't know what to do.  I need someone to help me.  I need someone to love and support me.  I wish I could undo all the stupid mistakes I made in the past that brought me to this pitiful state.  I wish I had made friends in college and enjoyed the experiene.  I'm missing out on so many things because I messed up.

I need someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

But that won't happen will it?  Because this isn't a fairy tale and there may not be any happy endings.

I made a terrible mistake.  I got so comfortable at the gym I work at that I triend taking more control and inevitably caused a lot of stress and confusion.  I love working where I work and coaching the team there.  So much so, that I would try to communicate with the parents, and make calls that I had no right making.  It was out of line, and now I'm going to pay for it.  I just hope I don't have to resign from working there.  If I did, I would have nothing left.  Nothing.  Most of my friends are gone to school again, and those that aren't are too busy to hang out with me.  Its too late to enroll in school, so thats gone too.  And with work being out for two weeks, I've felt more alone than I have in alone time.  And now that work starts again tomorrow, I'm going to start off on a really bad note.  My boss is going to chew me up and spit me out.

At my old job, it was encouraged that I help relay information to the parents and help out as best as I can.  I guess I brought that idea over to my new job, where it wasn't so welcome.  Unfortunatly I didn't realize this until now.  With that idea in mind, not only did I create a yahoo group using the company's name (which is apparently a no no), I also sent out an e-mail stating that practices started on Thursday, when in fact, they start on monday.  So now my boss has to e-mail all the parents to let them know that practice starts on Monday, not Thursday.  He's also required that I delete the group and cease all communications with the parents via e-mail.

I have never been so disappointed with myself in my entire life.  Nor have I ever been so scared to go to work.  I think I've ruined the only good thing in my life.  And my parent's aren't even here to help me figure out what I should do.

I guess there isn't really anything I can do.  I really want to send one last e-mail out to the parents to apoligize for confusing everyone but I'm not aloud.  I also want to leave a note for Mark letting him know how truely sorry I am about what I did because I know I won't get to say much during the meeting, but I'm afraid to.  I always ruin everything.  I have no common sense, and that usually ends up messing everythign up and making me look like an idiot in the process.

I guess I need to put all my energy into getting these girls ready for their first competition.

By August/September, I'll have been coaching gymnastics for 3 years.  All I can say is wow.  And I know I've come a long way since I first started.  I'm very greatful to be a coach because it's taught be how to interact better with people and become more confident in myself.  Since I started, I've worked at 3 different gyms within Cincinnati.  I started at Hyde Park, where I competed as a gymnast.  I got to see a whole new side to some of my old coaches.  I had fun and got to start working with their team kids, who were only level's 2 and 3 at the time.  I worked their until August 2008, when they went out of business.  By that point, I was coaching level's 3, 4, and 5.  Since the tema didn't want to disband, we all moved to American Eagles Gymnastics.  Working there has been so much fun, and really opened my eyes to coaching.  Working with Jan, Tami, and John has been so much fun and I've learned SO much from them.  I feel like I'm really lucky because John, who used to be an Elite Coach, is always teaching me new ways to teach, and also teaching me how to spot good and bad form, what types of conditioning to use, and how to teach new skills.  I think, because of him, I can become a very successful coach in the future!  Starting in February 2009, I began teaching classes at Cincinnati Gymnastics Academy.  I was offered as position as a level 4 and/or 5 coach, but I turned it down, mainly because I want to continue learning as much as I can from John (and for as long as I can), and because I don't want to leave the girls I've been coaching since I first started coaching team.  The main reason I'm posting this is because, today, John said he was very proud of me, and that I'm developing into a great coach and I'm developing good instincts.  XD  Well, I'm done.

An instant cure for Arthritis.  Arthritis keeps me from doing many things, including writing and gymnastics.  There has not been a single time that I have been able to write for more than 2 minutes and not wanted to rip my arm off.  I hope this cure comes soon too, because I'm only 20, and I don't want to live the rest of my life (however long it will be) in pain.  I guess I should be relieved that I don't have some deathly illness, however, if I live to be 100, that would be 80 years of pain.

My name is Amy, I'll be 21 in less than a month, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.  Coaching gymnastics has slowly become my life over the past 2 1/2 years, and I've come to love it.  Unfortunatly, I won't be able to live off of $11 or $12 an hour for the rest of my life.  So after some pondering, i've decided to try my hand at writing.  Live Journal will be my testing ground.  I'll either post stories, fanfiction, or whatever is going on in my life.  But for now, here are some things you may or may not want to know about me:

Name: Amy
Age: 20
Birthdate: May 10, 1988
Occupation: Gymnastics coach at American Eagles Gymnastics and Cincinnati Gymnastics Academy

I like reading fanfiction, especially the steamy kind.  I'm not sure why. but I'm always drawn to Draco/Hermione Fanfiction, as well as any Inu Yasha fanfiction.  I've recently been caught up in the world of Twilight and I'm absolutely in love.  TEAM JACOB!  I guess I'll stop here for now.  I think I may write something tonight, but we'll see!

<3

Amy